The Lover & The Unlovable

I have always had a very keen understanding of the various forms of love. I come from a very twisted version of it, so sometimes I am able to find the love in situations when there seems to be none present. I've been told this is a very damaged way to view it; but sometimes you have to find the beauty in the broken. 

The unfortunate thing is that not all people are capable of being loved but, it's not their fault, that blame belongs to someone else. To be a Lover to the 'Unlovable' is difficult. It takes a commitment within yourself to ignore those moments when they are acting like complete assholes, when they are pushing all your love away, a commitment to just stand there and pour more love into the hurt places. It can be extremely exhausting doing this, especially when they fight your love so much. Not because they don't want it but, because it feels wrong, foreign, inappropriate, undeserved; like an assault on their senses.

I have been both of these people in my life, so have you, the Lover And the Unlovable; both roles demand sacrifice, both roles require courage.

In one of my relationships, I was the Lover to my abuser, whose love was shaped by his perpetrators and his drugs. He loved me repeatedly with his fists, his tears, his addiction, his injured inner child. After two years, it unfortunately got to a point when my love for him looked as though it was going to cost me my life and I had to escape; heaping more pain onto that pile of Unlovable and taking a healthy dose for my own.

In another relationship, I was the Unlovable, or at least I feel that way a majority of the time. So much of my past had beed drudged up, so much of my brokenness affected our relationship. We each, with our own Unlovable parts, pushed as the Lover pulled over the span of nearly a decade.

Truthfully, there's nothing anyone can do to change that feeling on their own. Even at moments in my life when I am at my absolute best: healthy diet, workout daily, meditating on the regs, libido at a constant peak, like alpha bitching it to the max; even then, I have moments when I feel I am not doing enough to be loved.

In moments of tension, when mistakes arise, when we fuck up, we start to feel that our value is sliding. It's then that the Unlovable has to be able to trust that the Lover isn't going to hurt them the way everyone else has. You have to try convince yourself that it isn't a trick when they pull you in close. That when they reach out for you, it isn't to strike you or grab you by the hair. That when they say that they are upset, it isn't going to end with you being tossed on the streets for the night.

The Lover in those moments has to have the determination to persist despite the growling. They have to still reach out their hand even though the Unlovable is baring their teeth. Any of us Lovers can show a bite from someone we loved before; an Unlovable we kept trying to pet and cuddle and care for. 

Sometimes, the love is too painful to accept. Sometimes, the yelping is too scary to keep trying so both parties have to move on.

And sometimes, the Lover has patience and the Unlovable softens, and eventually love moves between them with ease with no cause for trepidation on either of their parts.

Or at least that's what I've heard.