The Est and the Nth
I am insatiable. Most that know me (especially My Men) would agree that it's a pretty fitting descriptive in many different areas of my life. I typically have more than one job at a time or multiple books being read simultaneously. My hobbies range from crocheting and knitting to wood working and working on cars (though my knowledge is limited) which are always in state of perpetual flux. I'm Bisexual which I have been told is "greedy' but, can't a girl just want it all?
My desire to become a Vampire is solely based on the fact that if I lived forever I could actually do EVERYTHING that I want. I could read every book I've ever wanted to read and visit all the places that haunt my dreams with yearning. I could do it all.
Unfortunately, Lestat and Louis (Erik and Queen Sophie are also acceptable) have not arrived at my door for us to have a sexy Vamp three-way so for now I just have to live everyday for the -est and the nth.
Est is my personal standard to meet for the day. If -est is met than I can go to sleep happy. Did I try my hard-est? Was I my kind-est? Was I the bold-est that I could be? Were my efforts focused on being the funny-est, the smart-est, the most Hon-est version of myself that I could possibly be in this lifetime?
If I answer these all with a, "Yes," then lucky me; I get to go right to sleep with not a second thought. Unfortunately, I am an insomniac so I spend my nights forgiving myself for not meeting one -est or another and breathe into the space where I gave it my B-est and find peace there.
I am never fully satisfied with my -est fulfillment; just another cause for my insatiable nature.
I have a quote, on one of my kitchen cabinet doors that asks, "How much did you love today?" I answered with, "Completely." That is what I strive for; to love completely but, more than that, I want to do everything completely to the nth degree . . . fully, deeply, passionately.
The problem with that though is, that I'm never "All In" . . . with anything. So, even when I come close to the nth, the very thing I crave most, it's still beyond my reach. That leaves me with a thirst, a hunger, an aching for more; insatiable.
I enjoy that feeling, that wanting more; it makes me feel alive. I feel superior in a world full of drones living in contentment. To be content, to me, is a sentence worse than death. It's a settling for less than, it's refusing to round the bases, it's pulling a France. I want to always be ravenous in my life so I remember to continue living to my nth.
"A hungry dog hunts best. A hungrier dog hunts even better." Norman Ralph Augustine
I guess I think, that if all parts of me are always yearning for more knowledge, for more experience, for more sex, for more fun, for more people . . . just for MORE then I will live a life unparalleled. I will have an exceptional life full of adventures and fuck ups, with incredible pleasure and devastation. A life full of living for the -Est and the Nth because being insatiable makes me happy.