The Lover & The Unlovable

I have always had a very keen understanding of the various forms of love. I come from a very twisted version of it, so sometimes I am able to find the love in situations when there seems to be none present. I've been told this is a very damaged way to view it; but sometimes you have to find the beauty in the broken. 

The unfortunate thing is that not all people are capable of being loved but, it's not their fault,

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The Trumping Up of Men

For the majority of my life, I have taken a masculine and as such, a very logical, pragmatic, reasonable approach to my emotions, by generally denying them completely or putting them in tidy packages (for no one else in the world to see) and then turning my emotional energy into physical energy; exercising, sex, wrestling/fighting (with my Dudes), building or repairing things, yard work, you know "man" shit. While I assumed that this emotional synergy would be the pinnacle of being in relationship with me, it has never, ever, been sustainable in a relationship. They eventually want more of me or I eventually want more of them. And neither of us knew how to give of something that we had no attachment to.

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Do You Even Do Sacred Sex, Bro?!

Men.

I LOOOOOOOOOOVE MEN. I love their Bromances, their constant brutal pranking of one another, the way most of them enjoy being infantilized, even their simplistic understanding of sex; 'if I make my penis feel good, then I will cum'. I have spent my entire life essentially studying and trying to understand the behavior of Men. 

Much of this drive comes from being hurt by Men throughout my life; I'm trying to understand why they did it. Men are responsible for most of my sexual, physical, psycho/emotional abuse and anguish and as a result I have an inherent fear of men. They are also the only species to ever make me feel safe; no woman, animal, or tree in nature has ever made me feel as secure and safe as the special and very significant Men in my life. They are each fascinating, puzzling, endearing and somewhat terrifying; a fun little dichotomy.

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Enlightenment: Who Gets to Decide What It Is?

"Recently, I was told that I wasn’t as “enlightened as I think I am,” which hit me as an odd statement. For one, I don’t tell people that I am indeed ‘enlightened’ because I think that it is a rather nebulous term. Secondarily because, how do they know?! Is our individual level of Enlightenment something that can be judged by others? How much XP do I have to obtain before I can level up to a quantifiable point for others to determine how enlightened I am or am not?"

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At The Tipping Point

"I find a great amount of exhilaration and honor when people open up to me and it's something that happens so naturally whether I know them or not. For myself on the other hand, I'm very reticent about my life. It contains so many sad stories and broken pieces that don't really serve me anymore and yet they have defined me for so long. To not tell them seems like a betrayal to all the strength it took to get through them."

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My Meditation Moment

"My Meditation moments do not look like the ones I see out in the world, whether on t.v. or in yoga class, no. Mine involve cataclysm, a break in the noise, that causes all that's inside me to just flow forth without my permission. All I can do is be there in it, it takes me to such depths; the silence is intoxicating. And the longer I sit and listen, the more I hear the absurdity of the things I tell myself; then I remember to really listen."

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I'm Sorry, I'm Sorry, I'm Sorry

"I have been sick for two days; throwing up until I can barely move sick.  I have repeatedly apologized to my husband for being ill and for him having to care for me and because we had to go to the hospital and because I make horrible sounds when I am puking and because I needed his help showering and so on and so on.  In the interim of this avalanche of apology, he has said one thing, "It's not your fault that you're sick.  You don't have to apologize." It's a foreign concept to me, to not continuously apologize for every single thing I'm doing; for illness, for tears, for saying, "No." 

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A Month Worth of #TBTs Ago . . . A Retrospective

"It's Throwback Thursday! While I should posting pics of me with weird hair in my youth or party shots with the multitude of friends I may or may not have; I am instead going to take you a journey .     .     . to last month.  It takes a lot of energy and effort to time travel so I wanted to start you guys out with something kind of easy."

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Oh NO! My Fortress of Emotional Solitude. Whyyyyyyyyyyy!

"So, I've been home for a couple of days now.  I have mostly spent my time gushing (figuratively and literally ☺️) over what an amazing soul reintegrating experience my time in San Diego was.  The rest of the time has been spent dealing with "Jetlag" which is apparently my body struggling to adjust to time travel.  Oh Marty McFly, you make it look so easy; perhaps I should've worn a vest while I was flying to insulate my organs from the space-time continuum rip. "

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Agony and Ecstacy

"I have carried an agonizing love model for years. Love was currency. Love was something I freely gave to others but, toiled with myself over receiving. It was easy for me to love others because it's just what I do . . . to a point. There comes a point in every love transaction when if I'm not in a reciprocal love arrangement then I just stop. I close the valve to my heart and that person will just exist for me; nothing more, nothing less. I truly apologize for this; its a protection strategy that I realized this week, I just don't need."

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I'm Taking a Hit for Domestic Violence . . . and other BAD Slogans

I am a victim of Domestic Violence. I say I am (still) a victim as opposed to a survivor because surviving to me implies that I am over it and you're never really over it. Being victimized leaves traces; not just physical but your entire nervous system is rewired due to fear leaving you emotionally and mentally stressed. I see him in public and I panic, not because I'm afraid of him hurting me anymore but because I don't know what I would do. I don't know how I would react to this man who so brutally and repetitively beat injured my body. This man who violated me and nearly brought me to the point of death. What would I say?

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Transformation Tuesday by Future Roxy

Wow!

It's amazing to think where I was a little over a year's worth of Tuesdays ago; very precariously pursuing multiple businesses which all in essence involved me selling mySELF. I was also a Stay-at Home mom with my toddler, spending my days primarily stressing about the current state of various things in our home; laundry, bills, potty training, puberty.

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The Est and the Nth

I am insatiable. Most that know me (especially My Men) would agree that it's a pretty fitting descriptive in many different areas of my life. I typically have more than one job at a time or multiple books being read simultaneously. My hobbies range from crocheting and knitting to wood working and working on cars (though my knowledge is limited) which are always in state of perpetual flux. I'm Bisexual which I have been told is "greedy' but, can't a girl just want it all?

My desire to become a Vampire is solely based on the fact that if I lived forever I could actually do EVERYTHING that I want. I could read every book I've ever wanted to read and visit all the places that haunt my dreams with yearning. I could do it all.

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